


heavy float

by BLONDAUS



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Comfort, Feelings, M/M, Romance, Slow Burn, a group of friends who need each other because who else will, hockey and ice skating a little of both, it just talks about anxiety, its sad but also not sad i think its a great balance, ten is a great friend
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-13
Updated: 2021-03-06
Packaged: 2021-03-17 15:54:59
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 9,103
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28727688
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BLONDAUS/pseuds/BLONDAUS
Summary: Taeyong has never fallen in love. He's never felt a connection with anyone in his life no matter how much he tried to force it.  But right now, Taeyong craves much more.It’s not just the falling in love and living happily ever after. He wants the downsides of it. Taeyong wants to fall in love and get his heart completely shattered into a million pieces. He wants to feel.-Or, Taeyong has built a wall up around him without even realizing it, until it all came crashing down on him.
Relationships: Jung Yoonoh | Jaehyun/Lee Taeyong
Comments: 9
Kudos: 89





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I intended to finish this before I published it all at once. However, I started working on this half a year ago...  
> For now, I'll publish what I've written and hope to release the rest of the chapters in the coming weeks.
> 
> tw, cw // implied suicide, drinking

He loved the cold. Bundling up, holding hot drinks early in the morning to warm up his hands, the slow transition of shops decorating for the holidays. Everything swift and steady at the same time as people began to find comfort in the dropping temperatures, he loved the feeling. 

However, he did not like the sound of buzzers. 

“Oh! What the fuck man? No one fucking hit him, he got in the way!” Ten was fuming, his shouts releasing hot air into the space. Taeyong looked at him amused, not sure whether to laugh or not. “What?”

“Nothing, I just didn’t know you liked hockey that much.” Taeyong brought his hands close to his mouth to breathe hot air into them. It was only the beginning of October which made the weather outside cold, but comfortable. He thought bringing an extra padded bomber jacket would be enough to mask the cold inside the rink, but he should’ve realized that he’s too tiny to manage the cold that easily. 

Taeyong stood next to an enthusiastic Ten as the game went on. A player from their university team scored, breaking the tie. “Oh my god, c’mon, c’mon,” Ten grabbed hold of Taeyong’s hand and squeezed it tight. There were thirty seconds left on the timer and the crowd watched attentively switching their eyes between the rink and the scoreboard.

The last shot was made seconds before the final buzzer rang, and their school won. Ten screamed, hugging Taeyong and jumping along with the rest of the fans. Taeyong was never big on going to school games like this but he admits it’s pretty cool to see people come together and celebrate. “Alright, let’s go by the gates to wait for the team.” Ten led the way to the doors.

When Ten told Taeyong he started dating an athlete, he thought it was a basketball or soccer player. He never pictured it'd end up being someone from the hockey team Ten never stopped complaining about. 

Ten was a figure skater on his way to reaching the Olympics. Spending most of his time at the rink when he wasn't stuck in classes or the library to finish his work. It also meant that Ten had to run into a lot of the hockey team given how they share the same rink. 

“I always liked watching hockey, Taeyong. It's just these dudes really get on my nerves when they try picking on me.” 

Taeyong chuckled. “Alright, so how did you end up making out with one of them? Did he pull the ‘make me’ trick and you felt compelled to do so?” 

Some of the players started making their way out the gates passing by them. Ten turned to look and smiled. “Nope, it was the other way around, how could I say no to a guy with the same threat-level as me?” 

A tall guy walked up to them and Ten tried to pay no attention to him. “Aw, came to see me, babe?” 

He was sporting the university's jacket with his name embroidered on the opposite side of the school’s logo.  _ Johnny. _

“Shut it, I can give two rats ass about you, Suh,” Ten growled back. Johnny pulled him into a tight hug- or stranglehold really. 

“God, you sound so hot when you talk to me like that. Thought the ice in the rink had made you stone cold.” 

Taeyong must admit, the dude is on the same-level as Ten. It's starting to make sense. 

Ten managed to scramble his way out of Johnny’s embrace and raised his fist staring straight for his chest. 

“Let me do it for you!” Another guy ran up behind Johnny and tackled him. 

“Woah,” Taeyong took a step to the side as they both stumbled around. 

“Fuck!” Johnny grunted. “Get off of me, Yuta, my back still hurts from my fall earlier!” 

Yuta gave him one small blow to Johnny’s bicep and let go of him, Johnny nearly tripping over onto the floor. 

Ten was smiling. Taeyong doesn't think Johnny is the person he's here to see anymore. 

When Yuta turned, his smile was bright and ringing towards Ten. “Hey babe, here to see me?” Ten opened his arms and took Yuta in. 

Johnny walked over to stand next to Taeyong and did a double-take, finally acknowledging that he was there too. “Oh, and you are?”

Taeyong gave a shy smile taking in Johnny’s presence, and he was big. “I’m Taeyong, I'm just Ten’s friend.” Johnny wouldn’t stop looking at him and Taeyong hates looking at people in the eye, so he turns away hoping Ten is done saying hi to his boyfriend.

“Is this _ the best friend _ , Ten?” Yuta asks. 

Ten nods. “Yup! This is my best friend, my one and only- Taeyong.” Yuta gleams that bright smile of his again and Taeyong is getting the athlete star vibes from him. Maybe this is a good couple combination right here- the Olympic stars. 

A little introduction went on as to if Yuta and Taeyong have had classes together. Taeyong adds that maybe freshman year but definitely not recently given how Yuta is doing a major in sport science while Taeyong is working through school to do music therapy.

“Well Ten, Taeyong is much nicer than you I see,” Johnny teased. Ten glared but didn’t bark back. “Alright, can Jaehyun like hurry the fuck up, it’s cold and I want to eat.” 

Yuta shrugs. “I saw Mijoo waiting outside the lockers for him.” 

“Oh, but I thought they were done?” Ten spoke. He looked over through the gates and waved. “Jaehyun!” 

Taeyong turned to look but was blocked by Johnny’s large back. “Alright dude, are you two back together now?” 

He heard the steps get louder on the pavement and when he finally came to view, Taeyong found another reason to love the cold- it made his cheeks red enough to cover the blush forming on his face.

Jaehyun was beautiful. 

“It’s ok if you guys aren’t though,” Yuta assures. 

Jaehyun shakes his head no and kicks at the pavement. “No, we’re not, and you're right- it is okay.” Jaehyun finally looks up from staring at the floor and takes a quick glance at the small crowd around him, when his eyes land on Taeyong.

The way Taeyong’s breath catches in his throat, he gets nervous and dizzy at the same time and starts to cough in reaction.

Ten tugs at Yuta. “C’mon on, let’s go! Taeyong is dying over here, let's go somewhere warm.”

Johnny jumps at Ten’s words and starts to take the lead, walking down towards the street. Taeyong tries to stand next to Ten but as they finally leave the parking lot of the arena, the walkway gets smaller making him fall behind with Jaehyun.

“So,” Jaehyun’s voice drags, “Taeyong, right?”

Taeyong nods softly. 

“I’m Jaehyun.”

He nods again.

“Too cold to talk, huh?” Embarrassingly, Taeyong nods again. God, he wishes Johnny’s height didn’t intimidate him. He should’ve stuck by him instead of being stuck with Adonis back here. 

Jaehyun laughs and Taeyong can only see the hot air spurting out, too scared to look at Jaehyun’s face. “That’s all right, I know how to walk in a comfortable silence.”

“Sorry,” Taeyong pipes. “Just not good with people.” Which isn't a lie. It’s not that Taeyong is just shying away from talking to a cute boy, which has a little part to do with it, but he generally is just not good at making conversation.

Jaehyun raises his arm to point at Ten’s back. “You’re good with Ten though, that says a lot.”

Taeyong finally looks at Jaehyun, but with a dry look. “Something wrong with Ten?”

Jaehyun shakes his head. “No, but he’s very out-there, and you seem to be a little… in-there I guess.” 

“Have you read me in the past five minutes that we’ve been walking?” Taeyong challenges. Woah, he only knows the dude’s first name and that he possibly just got dumped by his girlfriend but suddenly he’s trying to act like he has Taeyong figured out?

“No,” Jaehyun answers. “But if you think I’m wrong then why not prove it to me?”

Taeyong has a quick flashback to the way Ten said he and Yuta got together, and suddenly Taeyong wonders if this is the part where he and Jaehyun are supposed to make out. But of course- they don’t.

Instead, Taeyong chuckles and pushes his hand deeper into his pockets leaving him and Jaehyun to walk in comfortable silence as Jaehyun had said. 

They ended up visiting a ramen place, using the excuse of a hot soup to warm them up from the freezing cold. As Taeyong sat there in silence, not really sure where he fits in with this group of people, he took to just listening in to their conversations. Yuta was kind but equally as teaseful. Johnny loved to make conversations and was very friendly, kinda like a very big teddy bear. Taeyong began to feel more comfortable as he realized Johnny’s height was not one to make him intimidating but just the right size to carry this big bubbly energy of his. 

And as for Jaehyun, well- Jaehyun was typical. Taeyong didn’t think of this in a bad way at all, instead, comforting. He talked at the right times, laughed at the right times, teased at the right times, and it was comforting. Just like Johnny was intimidating in his height, Jaehyun was intimidating with that handsome face of his. But unlike Johnny, whose chatty-self made people feel at ease, Taeyong was starting to feel small next to Jaehyun. A great face, a great seeming personality, he had this radiating energy of a golden boy that made Taeyong wish he had it too. So as dinner went on, Taeyong tried not to converse too much with Jaehyun or spill too many looks his way. If he starts giving into his thoughts too much, he’s sure he’ll start to feel dizzy soon.

When dinner was over, Ten bid Yuta goodbye, wanting to leave the boy to rest after the game tonight. All three of the boys shared an apartment, so they walked the other way. Taeyong gave a simple wave signaling his departure to all the boys and as he turned he can vividly remember Jaehyun calling out ‘ _ See you around, Taeyong!;  _ His cheeks went red and he ignored the way Ten nudged him as they made their way home. 

The following week, Ten kept himself busy shuffling between school and to the ice rink whenever he had the chance. Although Taeyong had other classmates he could hang out with, he simply never found comfort in actually doing so. Taeyong had this loner personality of his which was perfectly fine on his accord. He walked to school alone, bought coffee alone, studied alone, and it was peaceful. 

Until he hears a bag slam down on the library table shaking him out of his earbuds and psychology notes. When he looks up, it’s his worst enemy.

The dimples pop out. “Hey, hi, how are you?”

Taeyong scoffs. “Woah, did I invite you over?”

“Ouch, that’s kinda harsh. Guess you really are Ten’s best friend.”

Taeyong sighs. “Here you go,”

Jaehyun smiles at him. “Here I go what? Are you assuming my personality?”

Taeyong rolls his eyes and ignores him, stuffing his earbud back in and re-reading the last paragraph of his textbook. 

The latter shrugs and pulls out his own study materials, very unfazed by Taeyong’s decision to ignore him. 

Time goes by, and later on, there’s another warm body at the table. Taeyong takes a second to glance and sees Johnny. He gives a wave but doesn't bother to drop and make conversation too on track with his own work. Jaehyun continues to do his own work as well and Johnny gets into his own rhythm of bouncing his head along with the music blaring from his own earbuds fishing out the homework on his laptop. 

The study group continues like that until late at night. Midterms were quickly approaching and it felt right to just stay stuck at the library like this. When Taeyong finishes his chapter for the night and gives a final stretch before getting up out of his seat, packing his things, and giving a goodbye nod to Johnny. Taeyong also doesn't miss how Jaehyun followed his steps and mumbled to Johnny, ‘See you at home,’ before trailing behind him on the stairs. 

When outside, Jaehyun finally walked alongside Taeyong. “Where are you headed?” 

“Home, of course.”

“Yeah, it's late and it's a Tuesday. I wouldn't expect you to hit up a club, or are you into mid-week partying?” Jaehyun asks.

Taeyong shakes his head. “I live on the east side of the school.” 

The taller boy nods and keeps walking, matching Taeyong’s footsteps. Taeyong doesn't want to say he knows every detail of Ten’s life, except he does and remembers Ten saying how much of a drag it is to go visit Yuta at his apartment given how he had to cross the University to get to his neighborhood. “I’m sorry, are you walking me home?” 

Jaehyun smirks and his eyes crinkle just a bit. “My, I’m flattered- you know where I live Taeyong?”

“Ten's mentioned it before, don't get excited.” 

The other looks away and shrugs. “Wouldn't be a bad thing if I did.”

“Jaehyun walking a guy home, wouldn’t the girls at school be upset?” 

“Nothing wrong with a guy walking another guy home, either. Or do you think so?” Taeyong doesn’t respond, not wanting to entertain Jaehyun’s ego even further. 

Both boys walked until they reached the east side of the campus. Jaehyun waited until Taeyong crossed the street, walking down the block until he reached the neighborhood his apartment resided in. When he did, he turned and walked across campus again towards his own home. 

It went on like this for the rest of the week. The times in which Jaehyun and Johnny showed up differed each day depending on how late their hockey practice ended. On Thursday, Yuta showed up and worked with Jaehyun on a project together. Taeyong's attitude stayed indifferent- not feeling happy for having someone to sit with at his lonely table nor discomfort from someone joining his peaceful study place. 

On Saturday, Ten invited Taeyong to the hockey game but declined, deciding to sneak off to the recording studio where he turns off his academic mind as soon as he walks through the door and lets the creativity he's been holding in all week pour out inside those four walls. 

When Monday rolls back around, his crowd shows up once again. Jaehyun continues to walk him half-way home, and each night he gets better and better at pulling Taeyong apart, making conversation, and learning about the older boy. Taeyong still holds up his wall, answering bluntly but not in a rude manner that would make someone pounce and leave him once again lonely. 

Three weeks later, after three more home-games Taeyong has ignored going to, Jaehyun asks Taeyong out. Taeyong freezes. 

He literally freezes. No words come out and Jaehyun stands there staring at him on the east side of campus. 

“It’s okay you can say no,” Jaehyun reassures. Taeyong wants to say yes, but his mind doesn't let his mouth convey that simple word. Jaehyun doesn’t look upset, instead, he continues on. “Ten mentioned you were also good at calculus, so do you mind tutoring me at least? I'll buy you dinner- not a date, but just dinner.” 

Taeyong nods and Jaehyun smiles, his dimples popping out. “Cool! I’ll get your number from Ten then.” 

This time, Jaehyun leaves first and Taeyong waits until he crosses the courtyard to turn around and walk home, his heart nearly leaping out of his chest but not from butterflies at all. 

He didn't know how much longer he could hear the shouting and lecturing over the phone. His mom had called earlier asking how he's been, but then a couple of minutes later she began to nag about all the things Taeyong has been failing to do. Something about not calling enough and making his trip to visit his siblings. It was the same old anyway and Taeyong knew that no matter what he said, she wouldn't understand. 

He set the phone down on the coffee table away from his ear turning down the volume. He put his side of the mic on mute and began to pull out his textbooks. There were knocks on the door and Taeyong got up to answer it. 

Jaehyun stood there in all his glory, but Taeyong didn't have time to feel any smaller than he already did. Still, Taeyong cracked a small smile as he came in and shook off his shoes. 

As Jaehyun was taking out his own materials he noticed Taeyong's phone on a call. “Oh, I’m sorry were you in the middle of something?” 

Taeyong shook his head. “Oh no, no! It’s okay, nothing important.” 

Jaehyun nodded. His phone signaled the call had ended and Taeyong sighed, leaving it there. A couple of minutes later, when Taeyong was typing the wi-fi password on Jaehyun’s laptop, his phone began to ring again. 

Taeyong went around the table and sat down. He let it ring a couple more times when he finally answered it. He once again put his mic on mute and set it down. This time Jaehyun caught the name on the caller id and wondered what Taeyong was doing. 

“Are you sure everything's okay?” 

Taeyong stared at his phone and then shrugged, shifting his attention back to his own laptop. “It's ok, really.” 

Jaehyun didn’t look convinced but he knew he didn’t have a reason to keep nagging.

He doesn’t know why he did this, but Jaehyun reached across the table and softly patted Taeyong’s hand. He didn’t know what to say or do but just guessed that a soft pat couldn’t hurt. 

Taeyong smiled and nodded. “I just don’t feel like talking right now or listening to whatever she’s saying. It’s just . . . tiring.”

He grabbed the phone, and in desperation decided to just turn it off. The screen went black and Taeyong stared at his reflection a little. “Sometimes, it's better to not know what someone is saying. Sometimes you don't need to know.” 

Jaehyun smiled understandingly and opened his textbook opening to the homework pages.

After the study session, Taeyong realized that Jaehyun was in dire need of tutoring and one session was not going to help the passing C that's keeping him on the team. Poor Taeyong's heart, he's too kind for his own good so he finds himself planning a meeting schedule to help Jaehyun in the time they can. 

When midterms arrived, Ten has to push himself out of the rink and return back to his student duties which brought the whole group together in the school’s cafeteria.

“So why are you bothering in coming to school if you're already so successful and shit with your figure skating?” Johnny was nibbling on his soggy fries, his laptop opened and playing a review session in the background but actually paying no attention to it. 

Ten ran his fingers through Yuta’s hair who was taking a nap on the table. “Because A, I can’t just trust this figure skating will last me forever, I can break my leg tomorrow and never recover it, and then where does that leave me?”

“Maybe coaching?” Johnny answered. 

Ten shook his head. “Not really, if I don't have years of professional experience then I’ll get stuck teaching five-year-olds and I hate kids.” Yuta rises from his slump. He reached for his coffee on the table and downs it in one go. “Slept well?”

Yuta blinks his eyes rapidly trying to get them to adjust to the sun pouring in from the floor-length windows. “Who the fuck schedules a two-hour length exam at seven am and why am I going to fight them?” 

“What's the second reason, Ten?”

“Oh,” Ten smiles. “This is cheesy, but for my mom. I just want her to brag that she has a top-university student graduate as her son.” 

Taeyong chuckles. “Yeah, Ten is a little mommy’s boy.” 

Yuta regains consciousness and gives Ten a kiss on his head. “Adorable.” 

Johnny shuts his laptop and gathers his sad McDonald’s lunch. “I have to start heading towards my next exam.” 

“Oh crap, so do I,” Taeyong says as he checks the time. 

The group gathers and exits out the door heading towards the other school buildings. 

“Taeyong!” Ten calls out as Taeyong walked along with Johnny beside him. “Are you free this Friday?” 

“Uhm, I have an exam in the morning and a lecture at noon, but that's it.” 

The other boy clasps his hands together. “Great! Get the vodka then, let's meet!”

“I didn't know you liked vodka, Yong.” Jaehyun was crossing the sidewalk meeting with the rest. 

Taeyong ignores him. “Your test- how was it?” Jaehyun gives a shrug. “That's not an answer Jeong.” 

“I can say that I at least got a B, that's something.” 

Taeyong gives a sigh of relief. “Okay, cause I went over all those chapters with you, I do not want to see my time go to waste.” 

“Is no one going to ask why Ten and Taeyong are getting drunk without us?” Johnny interrupts. 

Ten looks at Taeyong, and Taeyong nods his head giving permission for the boy to tell them. “Well,” Ten chimed. “I and Taeyong try to get together at least once every month and get drunk to our content. We talk about whatever we want, rant about whatever we want- no judgment at all, and then the next day we move on and back to our daily routines. We’re probably too hungover to even remember what we said anyway.” 

“Hmm... sounds daring don't you think?” Johnny winked. Ten rolled his eyes. 

Taeyong was turning his heel growing impatient to leave for his class.

“Do y'all care to join in this ritual?” 

“Yeah, we’ll join,” Yuta answered. Johnny nodded and Jaehyun gave a small smile in agreement. Taeyong nodded his head and waved goodbye behind his back. 

Come Friday night, and all five boys are crowded into Ten’s small studio space. Yuta brought beer, with Johnny and Jaehyun buying Tequila. 

“Someone play Like a G6- Ten turn on the neon lights,” Johnny called.

“Dude this isn't the Prom after-party,” Yuta said. 

The boys take shots, mixing between drinks and coursing through the night picking up random topics to talk about. 

Taeyong attentively listens, talks when needed, and gives support when wanted. Like when Yuta complains about the hockey coach failing need to lead the team, making him do all the work as team captain or Johnny’s pushy dad who pesters him about Law School. Although Johnny does plan on going, he hates being reminded about it every time he calls home when he just wants some family support. 

Jaehyun doesn’t seem to have much need for ranting, instead, he keeps track of Taeyong’s movements and everyone else is too drunk to notice. He takes note of how fast Taeyong is to down a drink, how many times he refills his cup, and how the night grows longer the redder his face gets from the alcohol. 

“But yeah, I don't know- I don't want to say that the Olympics is everything to me, and the only thing I can honestly put my all into,” Ten says, moving his finger around the rim of his beer bottle. “But I guess I just have this bad feeling that it can be taken away from me at any moment and I don't want that to be my only personality trait.”

Jaehyun is the only one to respond. “But Ten, there's nothing wrong with dedicating your life to something. If you're passionate about it go for it, not anyone can say they're an Olympic athlete. If I were you I’d let the whole world know.” 

Ten only nods and mumbles a thank you. “Alright, Taeyongie, you’re so quiet tonight! You usually have quite a lot to say.” 

Jaehyun perks his ears up at that and his curiosity starts to wonder as to what troubles Taeyong’s mind. Since his first meet in Taeyong’s apartment, he’s wanted to reach out. Be a lending hand, or a shoulder Taeyong could use- but of course, he can't just barge into Taeyong’s privacy like that. Still, a pretty face with a tough wall and mommy issues- Jaehyun would like to know more. 

Taeyong looked very relaxed. All the alcohol intake makes him feel like he's in zero gravity. “Ok, I have one thing.”

“Please, entertain us,” Yuta ushers. 

Taeyong hiccups, and then giggles. Jaehyun thinks he's a cute drunk. “I was walking back home after I finished up at the studio” Taeyong had piped up after everyone’s laughter began to die down. “And I was crossing the Hangang River. I stopped to look at the red moon that night.”

“The one two-weeks ago?” Johnny asks. Taeyong nods happily. 

“As I was looking down- the water was so dark,” Taeyong giggled, his drunk head dipping under his hand that was holding him up on the coffee table. He leaned back on the couch behind him. “I wondered, what if I climbed over and just… jumped.” The room fell silent. 

Taeyong’s face was emotionless, but his eyes grew glossy. Didn't feel everyone's eyes on him and his voice didn’t crack once. “I mean if I jumped, I would drown right? I don’t know… I just wondered, if once I sunk to the bottom of the river- would I stop feeling so heavy inside?”

Ten was drunk, Jaehyun could tell, but he didn’t think anyone in the room was too drunk to not feel the weight of Taeyong’s words.

“Hmm, I wish I could tell you Yong, but let’s leave that for another night, okay?” Ten responded with ease, and Jaehyun wondered how Ten was keeping calm after his best friend just implied something so devastating.

Taeyong closed his eyes, resting his head back on the couch. “Okay,” he smiled tipsily. “Another night, then.”

It was a wake-up call, and everyone saw it as a cue to start cleaning up. They put the bottles in the kitchen putting their empty cups in a trash bag. Yuta pulled the boys towards the door and turned to say goodbye to his boyfriend. 

“Yeah, we’ll be fine. He's going to sleepover so don't worry too much,” Ten tried to smile but failed. Yuta pecked his lips and told him he’ll text him when he gets home.

When the boys arrived at their apartment and closed their respective doors, Jaehyun laid on his bed, a bad feeling stuck in his throat. When he woke up he could smell the alcohol on his clothes and forgot when he managed to fall asleep. Anyway, Ten was wrong. 

He wasn't too drunk to forget what he heard last night, and he hopes no one else did either. The words kept replaying in his head over and over until finally, he felt the tears staining down his cheeks. 

“Taeyong, please go on a date with me.”

Jaehyun had ran across campus after sitting through his lecture the past hour thinking nothing else but Taeyong. He has thought nothing else but Taeyong all weekend long. His name would bounce off the side of Jaehyun’s head like the retro DVD logo on TV’s. With the weight of Friday night in his heart, worse images of Taeyong came to mind, and he couldn't sit still. 

Taeyong stared at him with those big brown eyes of his. He sighed. “I heard you did great on your test.”

“That's not what we’re talking about right now.” 

“Ok.”

“Ok?”

“Yes, okay. Let's go on a date.”

Taeyong saw the dimples appear. 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Taeyong felt the air rush through his body, and he can’t escape. There’s no way. Did he feel the rapid heartbeats when he caught Taeyong earlier? Does he know what Taeyong was thinking? Did Jaehyun think he won?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer:
> 
> My knowledge of ice skating is little so I apologize for anything that I mention that doesn't make sense- just go with it haha TT (also goes for hockey)
> 
> not proofread!

Taeyong knew he should turn around and walk inside. He knew Jaehyun would turn and lock eyes with him and Taeyong didn't know how much faster his heartbeat could go before it exploded inside his chest. He turned slowly but surely. 

Jaehyun knew the move. He's walking away and Taeyong is staring at him- but he also knows Taeyong could only hold out for so long before he finds himself feeling pathetic at this ulterior cheesy moment. So he looked over his shoulder to catch his face before he left to go back inside. 

When he turned, Taeyong was already heading the other way, but he had looked over his shoulder at the same time Jaehyun did, and it was hilarious. They read each other perfectly. 

Jaehyun threw his head back in a laugh and Taeyong scoffed, jogging a little faster to disappear from Jaehyun’s sight. 

A dinner date was comfortable and Taeyong thanked Jaehyun for just going to the regular ramen place they visited before. Conversation flow was necessarily easy, starting with school, how they end up at that university and then talking about how they met each of their friends. Ten was Taeyong’s friend since middle school, both boys sitting next to each other in an art class. They would peek at one another's drawings and compliment each other. Jaehyun insisted that Taeyong showed him a sketch of his but Taeyong declined, saying that was for another time. 

“Another date, you mean?” Jaehyun teased. 

Taeyong rolled his eyes, a smile on his face. “Let's see how much longer this one lasts and then we’ll know.” 

To Taeyong's surprise, Jaehyun was the one who picked Johnny to be his friend. It was a surprise to him given how Johnny is the social butterfly of the two. 

“It was a perfect match then! You two being best friends,” Taeyong said. 

Jaehyun nodded. “Yeah, I guess so, although I guess I kinda helped Johnny break out of his little shyness.” 

“Johnny was shy? That doesn't fit him well.”

“He was for a bit, but after a month or so after moving he got used to the time difference and began to make good friends like me,” Jaehyun grinned.

“I'm sure you were, Jae.” 

Taeyong later learned that Yuta was just an addition after Jaehyun and Johnny had gotten into the hockey team. The trio grew close and have since they moved in the following year together.

As Taeyong sat across Jaehyun, laughing and being so open and beautiful, Jaehyun had forgotten what he had said the other night. It didn't paint the Taeyong who was sitting in front of him- the one who ate in small bites being delicate and clean, or the Taeyong who made sure to always carry hot packs when it's cold at night because his hands get cold very easily. The most endearing part of the night is how Taeyong enjoyed walking and staring at the stars above him, but then he realizes this is how Taeyong saw the red moon that night and his smile falters. 

And on cue, Taeyong doesn’t miss pointing out the moon tonight as well. “It's a full moon.”

“Yeah, it is,” Jaehyun turned to look, as he had been staring at the boy next to him the whole time.

Taeyong knew Jaehyun was staring at him, so he avoided making eye contact as much as he could. He couldn't handle it- he would explode because my god he can not be feeling the warmth. No, the warmth radiating in his stomach is from the hot packs in his jacket, nothing else. 

The walk to Taeyong’s apartment has them cross a park. Jaehyun shifts directions and sits on a bench. Taeyong stares at him confusingly to which Jaehyun just taps his hand on the space next to him for Taeyong to sit down.

“Aren’t you cold, Jae?” Taeyong shivers in his jacket. 

Jaehyun scoots closer and brings an arm around him, rubbing his hand on Taeyong’s arm in an attempt to warm him up. “I am, but I don’t want you to leave, yet.”

Taeyong chuckles. “Now I think the girls at school will be jealous of those words.”

“And that’s a good thing, Yong,” Jaehyun says. Taeyong just nods.

Both boys sat together in silence, taking in one another’s presence. Where Jaehyun is trying to find the right words to say, thinking of whether or not to mention that night’s event (or if Taeyong even remembered), Taeyong can feel his chest tightening. To be completely honest, Taeyong doesn’t know how he made it to the end of the date. Before leaving his apartment he had typed up an excuse to send to Jaehyun bailing out their date. But as he re-read the text over and over before sending it, three dots appeared and a text message from Jaehyun popped up saying ‘ _See you soon! (:’_ and Taeyong couldn’t bring himself to hit send. He also didn’t miss the way his hands shook to jab the key into the lock and close the door behind him or the mental punching he had in his head the whole walk over. When he saw the boy standing in front of the ramen shop waiting patiently for him, Taeyong wanted to throw up. 

While the date had progressed, Taeyong let Jaehyun keep the conversation flowing, him asking the questions and Taeyong simply answering trying to turn it around to keep Jaehyun talking about himself and less about Taeyong. He avoided the eye contact and sunk his nails into the palm of his hands to distract his mind to the pain rather than the knots and turns occurring in his head with the way Jaehyun simply would not stop staring. He hates to say it but it was suffocating. 

So they continue to sit there. Jaehyun couldn’t bring that night up at the end and after a solid ten minutes of sitting in silence, he finally got up and reached his hand out to Taeyong for him to grab. Taeyong ignored the hand pretending not to see it and got up taking the lead. 

Tonight, Jaehyun walked Taeyong to his street stopping in front of a convenience store. Jaehyun didn’t know what to do as he stared at Taeyong standing right in front of him. The pavement was wet from the rain earlier and there was a faint noise of lightning coming from a distance threatening to reach this part of town. Still, Jaehyun paid no mind to it, not when there was a seeming white light that gleamed around Taeyong and not from the store beside them but from being the angel that he was in Jaehyun’s eyes.

“Go, I’ll wait until you reach the corner of the street,” Taeyong whispered.

Jaehyun shook his head. “I don’t think it’d be a gentleman of me to not let you go inside first. I have to make sure you make it in safely.”

“Jae, we live on the good side of town, now go.” 

Jaehyun wanted to argue but Taeyong’s eyes seemed to have grown bigger, edging Jaehyun to just agree and go. “Let’s walk away, both, at the same time.”

Taeyong sighed and nodded. “Alright, goodnight Jae.” 

“Goodnight, Taeyong.”

Taeyong didn't miss Jaehyun’s big smile as he turned around and stepped inside the building. Taeyong smiled to himself too on his walk up the stairs until he unlocked the door to his studio and stepped in. A big sigh escaped. 

“It's okay, Yong. You did it.”

The next time Taeyong finds himself inside the rink was to see Ten’s preliminary rounds. It’s been a week since he’s last seen Ten, which was Ten walking out of their building late at night to return to the rink Taeyong was sure he had already spent all day in. Ten had always returned home to “rest” as his coach ordered, but in reality, he rushes home, eats, waits until he’s sure his coach is home, and then stubbornly ignores his coach’s order and goes back to practice more. Ten sent a text to Taeyong shortly after with a screenshot of his skating schedule to which Taeyong got the memo that Ten just wanted him there to support. 

Taeyong always liked to arrive early to the competitions and watch all the performances. Even though he's grown up watching Ten ice skate, his mesmerization for it has never faded. He’ll admit he was envious of Ten’s passion and motivation to continue a sport for so long- something Taeyong wished he had the drive for. 

Taeyong took a short bathroom break as the junior competitors finished their rounds and the ice was being resurfaced. When he was making his way back to the stands with the crowd ready to watch the seniors take their turns, he somehow spotted the brown fluff of hair sitting on the edge of the stands. It’s pretty easy to have spotted him- who else is that big and still so soft under a teddy hoodie?

“Johnny?”

The boy turned and met eyes with Taeyong’s. “Oh, hey! What’s up Taeyong?” 

“I wasn’t expecting to see you here.” It was true. With the amount of bickering Ten and Johnny can go on and on about it was random that of all people Johnny would be here at an event like this. “Did you come with someone else?”

Johnny chuckled. “If you’re referring to Jaehyun, then no, he didn’t come. Although, kinda weird that you’re asking about his whereabouts, aren’t you two dating?” 

Taeyong shook his head. “Uhm, no we aren’t, and I was actually talking about Yuta.”

“Oh,” is all Johnny lets out. “No, he had something to do, I think…not sure, no one knows I’m here- well besides you of course. Come sit!” Johnny stands to move over to the next seat letting Taeyong sit down next to him. “I kind of just had nothing to do tonight, and I remembered seeing the announcement outside so I thought, why not come and see if Ten is really all that!” He grinned like this was normal and maybe it was. Taeyong pushed it out of his mind remembering how spontaneous Johnny loved to be. 

At that moment, Taeyong’s phone dinged. He fished it out of his pocket to reveal a text message from Jaehyun. “Jaehyun is asking me what am I doing?”

Johnny laughed. “I thought you weren’t dating?”

Taeyong side-eyed him and started to type. “I’ll tell him I’m watching Ten. Should I mention you’re here as well?”

Johnny tilted his head. “Hmm, do you think he’ll show up?”

“I don’t know, that’s your best friend do you think he will?”

“That’s your boyfriend, do you think so?”

“Not my boyfriend.”

“Yeah, anyways. Just tell him you’re here and if he comes I'll sit between you two so I’m not third-wheeling.”

“Not my boyfriend, but okay.” Taeyong went ahead and sent Jaehyun a picture of the rink instead. Jaehyun took no time to reply saying he’ll be there soon to which Taeyong rolled his eyes.

The announcers came on to present the first group of male seniors who will begin following with an introduction of the first skater as he took his spot on the ice. The music cued and Taeyong trailed his eyes after him. The crowd in the stands were all silent, only giving way for applause when the skater landed on the ice. When he made his last turn, striking a final pose, Taeyong let out the breath he was holding. 

“Oh wow,” Johnny exhaled. “That was much better than the juniors from earlier. A step-up.”

Taeyong shrugged. “He landed his jumps but he didn’t satisfy all the revolutions. His arms didn’t elongate the way someone else would. They did say he only has three years experience so I mean.” The scoreboard lights up slowly revealing the individual points before stating the tallied-up overall score. “Not high enough,” Taeyong mumbles. 

Johnny starts to roll out giggles next to him. “My god Taeyong, you’re one cruel man.”

Taeyong’s eyes grow wide with an offense. “What are you talking about! It’s obvious!”

Johnny is covering his mouth but his eyes are still scrunched from the unstopped giggles. “God, thank god you're not a judge his score might've been lower then.” Taeyong shakes his head and watches the next skater. After his performance ended and the scoreboard lit up, Taeyong’s judgment was right. This skater gathered enough points to take the spot on top of the previous one.

He isn’t sure when Jaehyun appeared- Taeyong kept watching each skater perform and occasionally making comments to Johnny about some of the techniques. It wasn’t until he heard a huff above him and turned to face Jaehyun’s legs. “Phew! Hi.”

Taeyong looked up to meet his face. “Hello Jae, did you sprint here?” Jaehyun had his hand placed over his chest trying to steady his breath and nodded. “That’s silly, Ten doesn’t come on for another fifteen minutes.” 

Jaehyun finally composed himself and turned to look at Taeyong. “Don’t be weird, I came to see you.” Taeyong felt himself wanting to sink into the chair.

“My god, your flirting never got better,” Johnny spoke. Jaehyun did a double-take, eyes stunned when he saw Johnny. “Can you say the same to me, Jaehyun?”

“Oh? Why are you here?” Jaehyun returned his eyes to Taeyong’s. “Why is Johnny here?”

Taeyong shook his head. “No idea, I found him here.” 

Johnny swung his arm around Taeyong’s shoulder and squeezed him into his chest. “Taeyong and I are hanging out right now which means there is no third-wheeling tonight.” He ends it with a beaming smile that looks like he’s telling Jaehyun to fuck off. 

Jaehyun scoffs and moves into the aisle. Johnny stands up from his seat and Jaehyun grins thinking he’s giving him his chair. Instead, Johnny grabs Jaehyun’s shoulders and moves him aside to the spot next to Johnny- away from Taeyong. He plops back down next to Taeyong and Jaehyun stares in disbelief. “What? Taeyong said you two weren’t dating.” Taeyong’s face grows red.

Jaehyun shakes his head in defeat and slides into the chair. Taeyong wishes he could have something to say, or somewhere to run- but the tensing moment Johnny caused disappears as Johnny sparks a conversation with Jaehyun. Taeyong tunes them out and watches the rink.

Finally, it’s Ten’s turn- the last skater. Taeyong flaps his hand at the other two boys to stop their conversation. They have to see this.

“Lee Ten!” The announcers say his name and everyone can hear the crowd quieting down. They didn’t leave Ten to be the last skater for no reason. He is the star of this show.

Ten glides his way to the center of the rink. There’s this aura around him, if it was a color it’d be a purple vignette- extravagant and capturing but still so intimidating. He’s dressed in all black, his top sheer but with an asymmetrical lining across his chest lined with silver crystals. It’s simple but so elegant. It’s Ten. 

He turns to the judges and nods, moving into his starting position. He brings both his hands behind his head and crosses his legs. He drops his eyes closing them and waits for the music to cue. 

When the music comes on, a loud strum of a cello, Ten’s eyes dart open at the same time- the intensity of being captivated. Taeyong gasps. Ten is going in for a kill.

Ten’s routine is beyond what the other skaters put on. He moves with complete ease- the sound of his skates resonates as he moves with such speed. The music is dark and mellow and Ten’s facial gestures move with the dramatics of it all. He dances around the rink until finally, he goes for his first jump- _a salchow_. It’s a difficult jump to start the performance with the stamina it takes to execute but Ten’s always taken the risky side. He lands without a catch of breath. The crowd cheers with his graceful execution that it’s almost gone over their head it was a quadruple spin he just did. 

Watching Ten is like watching royalty itself. His movements are fluid with his arms outstretched and his hands posed out like he’s going to give his royal wave. The music is so darting but yet he makes everyone around him watch him like it’s the most natural thing in the world. This isn’t the ten-year-old boy who complained to Taeyong about starting ice-skating lessons. This is the Olympic athlete on his way to a gold medal.

Taeyong doesn’t realize how fast Ten’s performance flew by until he's standing in his seat clapping his heart out for his best friend. It's undeniable with the way roses are being thrown on the rink as Ten takes his bows. It's when he glides off the rink and into the arms of his coach that he begins to take deep breaths from his stamina wearing out. 

The camera pans to Ten and his coach sitting staring at the scoreboard, but they already know- everyone in the rink knows. 

Ten’s name takes the top of the scoreboard, a bright number one flashing. 

Jaehyun leans over Johnny and lightly touches Taeyong’s hand. Taeyong flinches. “Taeyong are you tearing up?”

Taeyong brings his hand to his face and feels the tear fall down his cheek. He is and he didn’t realize.

“Are you kidding? That was beautiful!” Johnny defends as he's tapping at his eyes. 

Taeyong chuckles. “Johnny you're not crying too?”

“I’m big but that also means I have a big heart alright.” Johnny gives out a small sniffle and Taeyong cannot believe this is happening. “That was amazing.”

The crowd is starting to disperse from the stands now with the show being over. Taeyong regains his composure and stands. “Let’s go.”

Jaehyun jumps over the chairs to the steps behind them to reach Taeyong. “You’re not going to wait for Ten?” 

Taeyong looks down to see Ten still stuck at the spot he and his coach were sitting down at earlier- a bouquet in his hand. Reporters are standing around him with mics and flashes of cameras. Taeyong smiles and shakes his head. “No, he’s going to be a while.” 

He doesn’t know how it happens but Taeyong manages to spend most of the night out with Jaehyun- and of course Johnny, the non-third-wheel. From taking the cab out to Itaewon per Johnny’s instance that it’s a Friday night. Although they could’ve gone anywhere else to kill time, Johnny just mentions the most fun he ever has is drinking and downing some fried chicken in Itaewon. When Johnny is walking ahead of both Taeyong and Jaehyun leading them to this joint he loves, Jaehyun leans down and lets Taeyong in that Johnny’s mom used to bring him to Itaewon to comfort him about moving away from home. With so many foreigners flooding the streets it kind of brings Johnny peace of mind that he’s not an outcast here. 

Johnny also apparently has friends here in Itaewon. Not sure why Taeyong only thought Johnny was a social butterfly on school grounds. They’re sitting at the restaurant when a boy walks by and shares a fist-bump on instinct. “Hey, John!”

“Bro!” Johnny says in excitement. “You haven’t texted me, Joshua. I thought you were getting rid of me!” 

The other boy laughs and shakes his head in disagreement. “Man, I think that would be very tough to do.” He finally turns and pays attention to the other two boys there. “Hey, Jaehyun! Haven’t seen you in a while.”

Jaehyun raises his hand and clasps his for a handshake. “Yeah, Johnny hasn’t brought me out to Itaewon. Didn’t know yall hanged out behind my back,” Jaehyun says eyeing Johnny.

“It’s because you’re boring,” Johnny teases. Jaehyun throws his napkin at him. “Oh, Josh, this is Taeyong by the way,” Johnny says in Korean this time.

“Oh! Hi! I’m so sorry for being rude,” Joshua apologizes. He gives Taeyong a warm smile- his lips forming a small curve it reminds him of a cat.”

“Not at all, happy to meet you,” Taeyong nods and turns away the feeling of eyes on him making him overwhelmed. 

There’s a small conversation going between the three boys and Taeyong sits there mindlessly sipping at his beer. He almost feels rude and starts to wonder if he should say something to make it seem like he’s been listening. Or is he not supposed to is it rude that he’s eavesdropping on something that has nothing to do with him. His thoughts start to flood and he doesn’t want to look at Joshua the regret of being dragged out here starting to down on him. He doesn’t belong, he doesn’t belong he doesn’t belong-

“Taeyong?” Jaehyun is calling his name. “Are you okay?” There’s a light squeeze on his hand and Taeyong looks down to realize Jaehyun’s holding it. He tugs it away immediately. 

“I’m f-fine, just tired.” He feels nervous and it’s making his body feel hot.

Johnny shrugs. “I guess we won’t be going out to the club with you tonight, Josh.” 

Taeyong shoots his eyes up. “Oh wait! No! You guys go it’s okay.” 

“I’ll take Taeyong home, you go, Johnny,” Jaehyun says. “One more night without me won’t kill you, right Joshua?”

Joshua laughs. “Alright well, I’ll meet you there John. See you Jaehyun,” he waves. Joshua leans around Jaehyun to peer his face at Taeyong. Taeyong is taken back and stares into Joshua’s eyes. “Woah, big eyes. Nice to meet you, Taeyong.” He walks away. 

“Hey! That’s Jaehyun’s boyfriend, Josh!” Johnny shouts. Jaehyun laughs as Taeyong’s cheeks grow red. 

Jaehyun and Taeyong have gotten off the bus walking in once again silence. Taeyong is feeling a little vulnerable and he’s not sure if it’s from the beer or the fact that everyone thinks he’s Jaehyun’s boyfriend with thanks to Johnny’s big mouth. 

He doesn’t miss the way Jaehyun’s been swinging his arms and light grazing Taeyong’s hand. Taeyong rolls his eyes and tugs them into his jacket’s pockets. 

Tonight feels a little different from the last time Jaehyun’s walk Taeyong home which was after their date. There’s an aura between them that feels like it’s past a friendship boundary. Taeyong confirms it when he takes a peek at Jaehyun to see that he is smiling. This is all too real, this is too daunting. He can't ignore the thumping in his chest he wonders if Jaehyun can hear it. It gets a little too light in Taeyong's head until he feels himself slipping he trips over his feet. Jaehyun catches him. “Oh, almost fell there.”

Taeyong blinks away and tries to regain composure. They’re at the front of the school “I think I’m going to go now,” he says softly. He takes a step forward until he hears Jaehyun call his name. “Yes?”

“I wanted to ask if I could kiss you.”

“What?” Taeyong stands there dazed. 

Jaehyun looks at him sheepishly with a soft smile like he just offered a nice gesture. “Well, I just wanted to make sure you’re okay with it.”

Taeyong felt the air rush through his body, and he can’t escape. There’s no way. Did he feel the rapid heartbeats when he caught Taeyong earlier? Does he know what Taeyong was thinking? Did Jaehyun think he won?

“Are you okay-”

Taeyong scoffs. “I thought you were more romantic than that.” Jaehyun’s smile falters. “Kind of kills the mood instead of just doing it, don’t you think?” 

There’s a bit of sass in Taeyong's voice but he doesn't realize it to stop.

Jaehyun tilts his head. “Just thought I’d be a gentleman about it.” He’s confused because Taeyong is smirking at him almost like he’s making fun of him. This feels like a standoff. Taeyong shakes his head. “I’m sorry, am I doing something wrong?”

“You’re not, Jaehyun.” Taeyong takes a step closer sizing him up. “I’m not wooed right now if that’s what you were trying to do.”

“I was just asking.”

“Well thanks for asking, but I’m not feeling it.” Taeyong looks smug and it’s kind of pissing Jaehyun off. “I’ll go first, see you around Jae.” He spins on his heel and starts to cross the street. 

Taeyong is escaping. He’s proven something. Jaehyun will realize and stop trying. 

Once Taeyong has felt like he’s finally placed some distance when he can finally let out that breath he’s been holding- craning his neck to relieve the building tension- he feels someone grab his wrist. He’s spun around and before he can lose his balance another hand grabs his other arm. Before he can say a word, Jaehyun brings his lips onto his. This is madness. 

Jaehyun’s eyes are closed but Taeyongs’ are open wide. His heartbeat is beyond racing but as Jaehyun fails to pull away, Taeyong can’t bring himself to break away. It feels like infinity until the kiss finally ends. Taeyong can’t break away the eye contact as Jaehyun opens his eyes and pulls away, his hands still grasping him.

“This is what, you meant,” is all Jaehyun says. He let’s go of Taeyong, cocking his head and walking backward before finally turning and walking home. 

Taeyong doesn’t move too wrapped up in his thoughts. The past moment had taken away the breath he tried to hold on so long for. When his heartbeat came back to a steady rhythm he deemed he needed to get home and fast. 

_Jeong Jaehyun Jeong Jaehyun Jeong Jaehyun Jeong Jaehyun Jeong Jaehyun_

It's funny. 

As he laid eyes wide open in the middle of the night, Taeyong remembered reading an angsty book that was now tucked away on his nightstand. It was heartbreaking, one he felt deep under his skin and one he knew he'd always go back to reread the last few pages that drew out the happy ending that will never come to the characters in that story. And Taeyong wanted it.

Taeyong has never fallen in love. He's never felt a connection with anyone in his life no matter how much he tried to force it. No, Taeyong has carried himself to be a loner in his life. Yeah, he's kissed someone and brought them home before but that was about all it will ever be. But right now, Taeyong craves much more. 

It’s not just the falling in love and living happily ever after. He wants the downsides of it. 

Taeyong wants to fall in love and get his heart completely shattered into a million pieces. He wants to feel. 

Taeyong lets out a laugh. Jaehyun seems like a start. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This took forever to upload, I'm sorry!
> 
> Hope you all enjoyed

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading.
> 
> I hold this one close to me- I hope you are all patient enough to see what comes of it.


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